a homesickness for a home you can’t return to, or that never was

Every place I’ve ever been wasn’t mine

Because I didn’t make it so

I’m fleeting 

Before I even catch my breath

I’m leaving

Before I can be left

I only pull closer

The things that want to stray

I only remember

What wouldn’t stay

I can’t feel okay

Until someone’s walking away

Xo, Rachel



Caught in a mess I
Made all by myself again
And you told me so

Growing my hair out
So you won’t recognize me
You don’t know me now

Oceans in between
If we ever meet again
I’d still pull you close

Maybe you never
Meant to make a mess of me
You could help clean up

My aloe plant is
Growing big enough to heal
My whole broken heart

Xo, Rachel

for so long

For so long I’ve been running around looking for something,
Running alone, running in the dark
What am I looking for?
Am I chasing something I’ll never outrun?
For so long I’ve had shoes laced up and bags packed
For so long I’ve been running around the same track,
Surprised every time I end up back at the start
For so long I’ve been running without knowing where I was going

For so long, I can’t run anymore.

Xo, Rachel


Something I wrote this past spring. Apologies for the format, I don’t know what I am doing, let’s just call it “free form” ok?

I’m sorry for dog-earring your pages
I just wanted to be able to look back
And remember that these words made me feel something

I wish I could do that in real life,
Make a tiny fold on a conversation
Or a moment or a feeling or a sight
Something to say, hey
This is important to me
And if I or anyone else picks it up
They’ll know it was important,
That they should maybe look twice

Maybe it won’t mean as much to me in a few years’ time
But I can be transported through the memory,
Just by a physical act
Of skin touching paper

I used to press flowers into the books I loved the most
If you were a book there would be petals between every page
The entire thing is my favourite
And I want to remember it all
I want the next girl to know
Tat you were so very important to me
You were so important
To someone else

When she sees you smile and a few dry petals
Fall to the ground
Maybe then she will recognise that you
Are something special
And she will know that she is not the first one
To figure that out
She will step back
And note that your smile is a little lopsided
And she will wonder if that’s what I liked about it
She will know that someone was here before
Marking the way,
Dropping bread crumbs

I just hope that if we ever get close again
The will still be some parts of you
With my petals still intact
Some parts that you let only me see
That even though she and I read the same book
We did not come out of it
With the same story in our heads

Xo, Rachel