the girl who felt it all

I don’t know if anyone reads my blog, but if by some chance someone does, how do you put up with me? I can’t even put up with myself most days.

This felt like a good closer for the month, the one month a year where I acknowledge that I have emotions, spew them out until I have no more, and then disappear until next year. In actuality, this journal entry is the only thing I’ve shared this month that was actually written this month. Somehow, because I’ve already disconnected from all of the emotions I have written about, I feel little shame sharing them. There is great comfort in hiding behind the defence that those are all old feelings, and you can’t use them against me. That’s how I see it, anyway.

xo, rachel

the loneliest year

I’ve been living in England for over a year now. This is something I wrote about a month ago, when honestly, I really didn’t want to be here anymore.

I don’t know where this is coming from. Except that I do.

I’m alone. For an entire year now my social interaction has been limited to esentially one person. 3 if I’m stretching it. That’s not normal. I’m not on a secluded island, so why do I feel like the only one for 100 miles?

I’ve moved around a lot. I’ve lived places where I didn’t know a single soul. Yet, here with my partner, I’ve never felt so lonely. It’s not OK to be so isolated. Not for this long. Not for me. I’m tired of being alone and not having the option to not be alone.

Adulthood is lonely. Being in a new city is hard. Not relating to your coworkers sucks, not knowing how to fucking find someone, anyone to talk to really sucks. Not knowing how to change your situation is frustrating. Usually, I’d just move and start over. But I can’t. So here I am, at home. Alone again.

I know this is basically a reprise of the post I wrote earlier this year, but it felt necessary. Three months of loneliness is a lot less heavy than a whole freaking year of it. Somehow though, it feels a little less heartbreaking. I haven’t cried about it since the winter, I’ve become comfrotable in my sweet misery.

The only light at the end of the tunnel has been that we are leaving England at the end of November to start a new adventure in New Zealand. I’m trying to manifest myself some friends out there. Please and thank you, universe. I need this one.

xo, rachel

journal_51

A little bit of sap from my maple tree heart.

Yes, our song really is Perfect by Ed Sheeran. The music video is an entirely accurate representation of the first few months of our relationship. Leave me alone with my feelings. I have a lot of them.

xo, rachel

journal_50

It was actually fine! And now I’ve grown my comfort zone the tinest bit bigger!

xo, rachel

journal_49

This one could be a good angtsy spoken word performance, if I was somebody who did that kind of thing.

A lot of the things I’m posting this month are months if not years old, so some I am not even sure what I was writing about. Like this one. Feelings are temporary, my friend. Even when they don’t seem like they’ll pass, they always do.

xo, rachel

journal_47

I fled way up north to escape you. I didn’t miss you for 5 whole days, and I was okay again.

But then I came out of the woods and everything past the treeline started to look like you.

I wish you were here, still. I wonder if you wish for me, still.

xo, rachel

journal_46

My love, don’t go, we’re just getting comfortable.

xo, rachel

keepsakes

My mother went through a major scrapbooking phase when I was young, and now I am the way that I am. And I’m loving to doodle these days.

My partner loves to go to the ~cinema~ and so we do that a lot. And I’m obsessed with washi tape.

 

journal_44+45

These are 2 parts to the same thought. The same bad night.

I feel like I need to preface every emo journal entry by clarifying that I’m actually very happy in my life! Don’t worry! I just think a lot a lot a lot about everything. And it’s tiring being caught up in negative thought loops. The only way I know how to break the loop it the write it down. Everything is simpler when you write it out.

I swear at this point, I really don’t even try to make rhymes.

“this is two people trying to fit into a bed bought for one / in that sense I’m not having fun” is a pretty good line though, if I do say so myself. I should expand on that one day.

A common theme in my brain this past year, as I’ve said in a few posts at this point, is loneliness. I can’t find an answer for it, can’t get comfortable in it, can’t escape it. I’ll expand on that later.

xo, rachel

 

journal_43

Hey brain, don’t be a dick!

It’s easy for me to overshare (I’m doing it all month, and calling it Blogtober) but sometimes, I really need to pull myself back. I’m a very jealous and insecure person. I don’t like that about myself, and I’m trying to work on it. In the meantime, I’m trying to just let these thoughts exist in my own head without voicing them. Most times, I’m just being mean because I can, because I’m hurt, because I’m confused. I push buttons simply because I know I’ll get a reaction. So hey, let’s not do that! It’s immature!

We shall recognise our faults, we shall accept them, and then we shall try to be better next time.

Again I come in with the normal journal entry topped off with a little rhyme. Is my next tattoo going to be, “think twice. be nice. dammit”? Maybe.

xo, rachel