failing (and other things i’m not doing)

friday, april 28th

so I’ve moved back home and I’m trying really hard to look at the bright side – free rent, familiar faces, the freedom of time. but it’s hard, because being here at all, it feels like a failure. it’s like all the progress, everything I’ve done in the past 2 years was for nothing, because I’m back where I started.

the suburbs are melting my brain, sucking my motivation, molding me into the mundane I once was.

Thinking back to 2 months ago, when I was suddenly having to make a decision between staying in BC though I had nowhere to live, or going home, it felt like the actual end of the world. Realistically, I could have easily found a place in somewhere and got on with it, but I chose to go home. I got on that plane in Vancouver filled with a sense of dread that I couldn’t shake. For once, I wasn’t excited to be returning to my family, and I didn’t know why. I just felt like I was making the wrong move.

I was afraid that I’d go home and get stuck there, fall into some kind of black hole and become the sad sack I had been 2 years before. I couldn’t stop feeling like if I just never moved back, I’d be OK. That it was the place that made me that way, not my brain. BC was my home, I didn’t want to abandon it just as I was getting comfortable.

Fast forward to now, I can see that being here wasn’t as life-ruining as I thought it would be. Yeah, I spent the first couple of weeks complaining about the suburbs, and the weather, and the people and everything, but I’ve genuinely had a great time. I’ve been surrounded by love and have had so much time to work on myself. I’ve been doing yoga, going for long walks, laying out in the sun, reading for the first time in a while, and appreciating the place I am in. I even went for a few bike rides, which has been something I though I hated since I was probably 10 years old. The dread in my heart has been replaced with a sense of peace that I haven’t felt in quite some time. It was all my mindset, duh. This place is still home, after all.

Basically, I’m leaving on Friday and I almost don’t want to. But it’s time for a new adventure (plus I haven’t worked in like 3 months and I’m supposed to be an adult). Onwards and upwards!!!!!

Xo, Rachel

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Cheer Up!

I was going to do a post about depression today to keep in the spirit of mental illness awareness week but I think I’ll save that for tomorrow – to give myself a break from all the serious stuff. I promise, I did not intend for this entire month to be about how sad I am, it just kind of happened.

Anyways, I’m not all that sad all the time. I just don’t usually write about being happy. I should. During my first year of college, I actually used to write down 3 things that had made my happy that day, right before I went to sleep (I posted a few of them on my old blog, if you are curious, keeping in mind that this was not my best year and a lot of the time it was a stretch to think of anything to write). I stopped doing it after a while, but yesterday I was feeling very light and thought I’d document it in the same format I used to use:

It’s October 5th at 3:17pm and I am happy
because I have the freedom to sit
and stare at the ocean,
feel the sun on my skin,
and just be.
I am so happy to just be.

I was feeling very overwhelmed with joy because after a couple months of stress and hard decisions and confusion and going back and forth, I have settled. And I am so glad that I live where I live, that I can be with the ocean and the mountains, take long walks surrounded by trees, that I live on a quiet street that deer inhabit alongside me, and that I can have this kind of control in my life. I love nature and I need nature, but I also needed to be in a city, because that’s a part of me. I am so in love with this city and I was so worried but I can see myself being happy here. Well, I already am. And in time I’ll make friends and discover new parts of the city and the island and in time, I’ll leave. But for right now, I am satisfied. So thanks, Buzzfeed, for telling me that Victoria was the place for me. Right now, it seems to be.

Also, I saw Tokyo Police Club on Tuesday night and rediscovered my love for this song and have listened to it so many times in the past couple days. Awesome Day is another good one, although they didn’t play it, but I couldn’t find it on YouTube so just go find it yourself!!

Xo, Rachel