distance

1 week on / 82 days to go

Honestly, I didn’t think long distance would mess me up this bad. Yeah, I knew I’d miss my partner and wish they were here but I can text her all day and call her every night. I really thought I’d just adjust immediately into my new situation like I usually do.

I didn’t expect to cry more than my year old niece when she’s tired, for the week leading up to my partner leaving and the first few days following. I really thought I’d be fine. I guess, it’s real. I don’t want to spend a moment away from them, and I truly hadn’t until this point. For the first 6 months of knowing each other / 5 and a half dating, we lived together, worked together, then left and travelled together, went to my hometown together. We hadn’t spent a night apart since the night of our first kiss. We hadn’t spent a moment apart since packing up and starting our travels.

This is a unique circumstance, I understand. Most couples don’t start off this way. But damn did it make this so much harder. I know in time I will learn how to be by myself again, because I have to, though it feels like half of me is time zones away right now. I just keep reminding myself it’s temporary, keep checking my countdown to assure myself that days are going by, every day is one less until my love is back by my side.

I don’t know how to live this life just yet. I don’t really want to, honestly. I know it’ll be worth it, when the end goal is forever, this time apart is the smallest fragment in our relationship. Sucks though. I’ll tell you that. It really sucks.

There was a lot of talk those last few days about whether or not we had made the right choice, should we have tried, fought harder to not have to do long distance, did we screw up? Who knows. We hadn’t really thought about it at all, maybe neither of us had considered how hard it would turn out to be. This is proving to be one of the hardest things I’ve had to do, saying goodbye, being here while she’s not. I wish I’d been given an easier time, fallen for someone from my home country, just had more time to be together. I know this will be an ongoing struggle and I hate that it has to be.

I’m not giving up though, not for a second has that been an option. I’m in it. I just don’t like these pages, is all.

I’ve got no words of advice just yet, but hopefully this teaches me something about love or myself or the universe. Otherwise it’ll just be a drag.

Xo, Rachel

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a year

I don’t have a long list of things I learned this past year, I just want to document the happiness that has kept me warm the past 12 months. I have been so unbelievably happy lately, and it came out of nowhere. The bad days barely phase me, when I have this many good days banked. I don’t even know what to say. With 2016 being fuelled by sadness, and the year before by anxiety, 2017 being the year of joy was a pleasure.

If the last year was about going it alone, this one was undoubtably about being around people I love. Hey, hell may be other people, but I think heaven may be other people as well. I have so many lovely humans in my life and I can’t thank them enough for the time we’ve spent together, be it a few months or a few minutes.

Looking through the notes on my phone and the entries in my journal, it’s clear how much of an impact other people had on me in 2017 – from my first vegan friends, a major road trip, reconnecting with old pals, staring at the stars with my coworkers, countless campfires, strangers I met while hiking or travelling, and being geographically close to my family the majority of the year, to the people I just met last month and have already become attached to. I love people. I really thought I wanted to be alone, but I was just afraid of rejection, fancy that!

I just feel like I’m surrounded by so much love and positivity and I can’t help but smile about it. Ahhhhhhhhh. Seriously. And with this good feeling, I’ve had so much more energy to go out and do things with my life – in the summer I wrote in my journal that I’d been going outside so I wouldn’t feel sad, and because I was no longer sad, I actually wanted to go outside. What a wonderful cycle to be in.

Some notable things I did last year because I wasn’t MOPING:

  • Saw my favourite band in Phoenix, Seattle, and Toronto
  • Visited 3 provinces I’d never been to
  • Europe!!!
  • Tried a bit of kayaking, canoeing, mountain biking, climbing, and rode on the back of a motorcycle
  • Ate a ton of good food, drank a lot of coffee
  • Countless day trips
  • Got some #sick tattoos and dyed my hair a bunch
  • Made a zine?
  • Didn’t sink into a deep deep void

So yeah, shouts out to my friends because I love y’all so damn much. And shouts out life for being so cool right now. Feeling this much positivity is very unlike me but I’m kind of digging it, sorry if it’s a BIT MUCH. I hope you’re feeling good, and like, happy new year.

Xo, Rachel

sand

august

we laid on the beach and looked at a million stars
i’m still finding sand everywhere
my hair, my socks, my bed, our bathroom floor
but it’s over
all i have now is sand
and those cheap sunglasses
because you took back your sweater
and you drove home
i hope you take your shoes off one day
and a bit of sand falls out
and you think about that last night

 

january

sometimes i still find sand in strange places
in my carpet, at the bottom of my backpack
but it’s from a different beach

i’ve had this one in my drafts for way too long

xo, rachel

journal entry no. 18

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YOU’RE GONNA MISS IT ALL.

Truly can’t believe I succeeded in posting every day this month (2 years in a row babyyyy) – I hope if anyone followed along they enjoyed themselves because I am really proud of some of the things I put up throughout October and hope to keep this momentum going?? Maybe?

Here’s a cliche life lesson to take away: let it out. Let it alllllllll out. You’ll feel better afterwards.

Xo, Rachel

 

THE EUROPE TRIP: ETC

Because I am a Big Fan of taking the Long Way Home, Austria wasn’t the true end of my trip.

It ended up being cheapest to fly Salzburg to London, London to St. John’s, St. John’s to Toronto, so that’s what I did. I worked it out so I had nearly an entire day in London to wander around, eat some grocery store sandwiches – which, in the UK, are great by the way – and listen to English Girls by The Maine on repeat. I also had like 6 hours in St. John’s (Newfoundland, Canada) which I was super excited about because I’d never been there before.

I don’t know if it’s just the headspace I’ve been in both times I’ve visited the city, or the areas I chose to see, but I don’t really love London. I don’t hate it, I simply like other places more. Anyways. It doesn’t matter. I had a nice evening.

St. John’s, on the other hand, I adored. As luck had it, I ended up sharing a cab into town with a few other people and spent my entire layover hanging out with them and exploring a little bit of the island. We went up to Signal Hill and hiked all around it and into downtown, getting to know each other while being constantly awed by how beautiful the place we all randomly found ourselves in was. Seriously, the landscape was stunning, the classic coloured buildings in town contrasted so well, and the whole place felt so welcoming. Plus, the french fries I ate at a pub on the main street were freaking great. It was the best layover I’ve ever had. I didn’t get anyone’s contact information, and I don’t remember their names, but I hope they’re all having fun, wherever they are in the world.

 

Oh, and I somehow ended up in the “Plus” seats on the plane and was given free food and drinks the whole flight from London. I am 100% sure this was a mistake on their part, but I wasn’t about to forfeit all that luxury. Who would?

Also, this ad I saw in Iceland that I haven’t had the chance to include yet:

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Aaaaaaand that’s it. That’s all. Now I’m back on Eastern time and sleeping in my own bed. Thinking about where I’ll go next, and where I’ll go after that, and after that and after that. Endless possibilities.

Here’s a song I kept hearing on the radio in Europe and that I still can’t get out of my head. Cheers!

Xo, Rachel