Ok, not true. I have friends. It’s just that they’re all in a different country.
I am someone that has forced myself to be independent. I have spent years uprooting myself every time I got comfortable, and it’s worked. I am fully capable of being alone. But now, for the very first time, I have a partner in life. As much as it’s a nice addition, I have let myself lean on them quite heavily. Not so much on purpose, it’s just easy. Easy to go back to old habits, easy to rely on them, to ask them to speak for me when I don’t feel like speaking. I know I can order coffee, and ask questions, and do every thing I need to do myself. But I also know that if I don’t have to, I never will. That’s the part I still haven’t mastered. I just pushed people away because I was afraid to become codependent, and now I feel like I am.
So here I am in a country where the only person I know is my partner, of course I’m holding onto them for dear life. Except they’e not in the same position. For them, this is familiar, this is where their family and friends are. They have a life here and I just have them. I don’t want to suffocate them, but I have nothing else.
I don’t know how to make friends as an adult. Does anyone, really? Outside of work, how do people make meaningful connections? I feel like I need to take up a hobby, find some like-minded people. But I don’t even know what hobby I’d like. I tried to go to a yoga class but I ended up chickening out and crying in the parking lot instead, because I was so scared.
I feel very alone here a lot of the time. Which is silly because as I said before, I’ve grown to be very content on my own. Maybe it’s because I didn’t choose this solitude, and I can’t figure out how to change it.
This all sounds very depressing. Honestly, I don’t spend all that much time by myself, I spend most of my afternoons with my partner, my evenings napping or watching Netflix, and my nights at work. I just sometimes feel like I’m forcing my partner to spend all of their free time with me out of guilt, and I don’t think that’s fair. I don’t know.
So if any of y’all know how to make a dang friend in this world, let me know. Or give me some suggestions of hobbies to pick up in the meantime.
I wrote this in a very desperate place. I wasn’t feeling well, in my head. I had convinced myself I was this burden to my partner, I wanted to push them away. Yet I felt like my heart was breaking every time they would leave my side. I cried a lot those first few months being in England. And I am not somebody that cries, really. I had a lot of trouble adjusting, but I didn’t want to admit it. I want to partially blame the winter, because generally, it is not my best season. I don’t like the dark and gloomy days, or the rain, or the cold all that much. It messes with my brain. I was also working night shifts at a very boring job in a factory, so I felt even more isolated from the real world.
Since writing this, I’ve been trying to be a little more proactive in making myself feel better. I’m not great at it, but I haven’t cried in a few weeks, so I guess I’m doing alright. I’ve been going out on my own a lot more, trying to cook more, read more, I’ve been getting back into yoga, just trying to get back into who I am as an individual person, and not as someone’s other half.
As for making friends, no progress has been made, but I’m not worrying about it anymore. I still have my friends, on the other side of a phone screen, or through a letter in the mail or a meme shared online. I hadn’t been appreciating them enough, because I had been so focused on my physical space. I put a lot of pressure on myself to be this perfectly functioning social being, even when I know that I am fully a loner, and I enjoy that life.
Anyways. This was a mess. Basically, I’m okay now. But who would I be if I didn’t have a mental breakdown over something silly every 6 months? Not me, that’s for sure.