distance

1 week on / 82 days to go

Honestly, I didn’t think long distance would mess me up this bad. Yeah, I knew I’d miss my partner and wish they were here but I can text her all day and call her every night. I really thought I’d just adjust immediately into my new situation like I usually do.

I didn’t expect to cry more than my year old niece when she’s tired, for the week leading up to my partner leaving and the first few days following. I really thought I’d be fine. I guess, it’s real. I don’t want to spend a moment away from them, and I truly hadn’t until this point. For the first 6 months of knowing each other / 5 and a half dating, we lived together, worked together, then left and travelled together, went to my hometown together. We hadn’t spent a night apart since the night of our first kiss. We hadn’t spent a moment apart since packing up and starting our travels.

This is a unique circumstance, I understand. Most couples don’t start off this way. But damn did it make this so much harder. I know in time I will learn how to be by myself again, because I have to, though it feels like half of me is time zones away right now. I just keep reminding myself it’s temporary, keep checking my countdown to assure myself that days are going by, every day is one less until my love is back by my side.

I don’t know how to live this life just yet. I don’t really want to, honestly. I know it’ll be worth it, when the end goal is forever, this time apart is the smallest fragment in our relationship. Sucks though. I’ll tell you that. It really sucks.

There was a lot of talk those last few days about whether or not we had made the right choice, should we have tried, fought harder to not have to do long distance, did we screw up? Who knows. We hadn’t really thought about it at all, maybe neither of us had considered how hard it would turn out to be. This is proving to be one of the hardest things I’ve had to do, saying goodbye, being here while she’s not. I wish I’d been given an easier time, fallen for someone from my home country, just had more time to be together. I know this will be an ongoing struggle and I hate that it has to be.

I’m not giving up though, not for a second has that been an option. I’m in it. I just don’t like these pages, is all.

I’ve got no words of advice just yet, but hopefully this teaches me something about love or myself or the universe. Otherwise it’ll just be a drag.

Xo, Rachel

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