Being Gone

You may have picked this up if you’ve read my blog before, but I find it very hard to be away from home sometimes. I don’t wanna pretend like I don’t have nights where I contemplate packing it all in and flying back to the corner of the country that I know best. Most of the time I’m just wishing it were possible to move everyone from back home out here with me.

I recently read Estee Lalonde’s book “Bloom” in which she talks about moving from her hometown in Canada to the UK when she was 19 – a far bigger move than I’ve done, but still relatable – and it was maybe the first time someone had expressed how I feel about the whole moving thing. When asked if it gets easier to be away from home she said yes and no, because while you do start making your own life in the new place and it starts to feel less foreign, it flat out sucks sometimes. It really does. It sucks not being able to wake up, go downstairs, and have my family sitting in the kitchen. It sucks that my best friend used to live on my street and we could hang out every day. It sucks that I miss out on small life things because people don’t think to tell me, and I’m sure my family wishes they knew more about what exactly was going on in my life, too. It sucks.

The thing that makes this suck less is thinking about the “big picture” as awful and cheesy as that is. I moved out here for a reason, and I stayed for a reason. I have my own life to live independent from my family, and the longer I stay out here, the more I’d be leaving behind if I went home. For a long time it comforted me to act like I was just a visitor here, that I didn’t really live here. It’s stupid but I didn’t change my location on Facebook until pretty recently, still clinging on to the idea that I lived in my hometown. I also very recently did the paperwork that informs the government that I’m a resident of BC, got a new ID, health plan, etc etc. I put it off for SO long because I really didn’t think I was staying. But I guess after nearly a year and a half, I don’t seem to be going anywhere else, either.

One thing that does make it easier is the fact that it’s 2016 and there are so many ways to talk to the people I love back home, so I don’t lose touch completely. Whether it be a phone call or facetime or snapchat or whatever. And sometimes I’ll even send snail mail across the country, even though it takes FOREVER. And this whole thing has just made me realise how much I love y’all. Gross. Love ya miss ya see ya soon, as I say.

If you still live at home or close enough to home that you can pop over for Sunday dinner and/or every holiday, I’m sure you don’t understand. This one’s not for you, anyway.

Xo, Rachel



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