I wrote about this a little bit last year but it’s still something I’m dealing with so I thought I’d get it all out for once.
I constantly feel like I am not doing enough. Of anything. I constantly feel like I am not enough. For myself. I am crippled by the idea that I could be doing more. Whether it be working more, travelling more, creating more, loving more – I feel inadequate in all areas of my life. Every time I take a breath it feels like wasted time. I sometimes don’t take in a situation because I’m already thinking about what’s next.
A lot of this comes from comparing myself to other people, which I know I shouldn’t do. I look at my friends getting degrees and wonder why I dropped out. I see photos of my friends having the time of their lives on road trips or living abroad or hiking some beautiful trail and my life seems to pale in comparison. I have friends in amazing relationships, friends that love their jobs, friends that are more talented than I at things that I do – and I feel like what I’m doing is simply not enough. The thing is, there will always be more. “Enough” is something I cannot achieve by doing, it is something I have to accept in myself. I have my own limits and talents and skills and time and money, so I will never be able to be more and better than every person that I know. I can only be my best self.
I know this is just a manifestation of my anxiety. I know. I have a note on my phone that reads, “I am actually excited to be alive and I have so many things that I want to do that my anxiety has become rooted in what to do first and how to get there and what to do after that and not being able to do everything all at once RIGHT NOW and it’s overwhelming but in a good way like I want to be on this Earth and I’m so happy to be here and I want to spread my love to as many places as I possibly can and I don’t want to die anymore I have too much to see,” which was a bit frantic but that’s how my mind is sometimes. Yes, sometimes it’s good to want to be better and to do more. It inspires me to get outside and do things, to book flights with my last few dollars, to spill my guts on this blog etc. I have had people tell me that they admire that I am making a conscious effort to grow as a person and that is a compliment that means the world to me. Because I truly am trying. I had to face a lot of fears to get where I am today and it’s nice for other people to recognise that. The trouble is reminding myself of that fact.
My desire to be better (another thing I get from my dad, though he says it as a joke) is what keeps me going. A lot of people strive to be the best and although I’d love to be the “best” version of myself, I can only get there by being a better me every single day. I didn’t want to be held back by social anxiety so I went to group therapy for it. I wanted to improve my customer service skills so I applied for retail jobs. The only way for the things around you to change is to change them yourself.
This post took a turn I wasn’t expecting and I’m glad I’ve come out of this in a more positive place than I started. I think I just need to stop myself from saying I’m not enough and instead tell myself that I could be better. I am enough. You are enough. But we could all be just a little bit better. And we will be.
I freaking love this song.