Part of my anxiety/depression/poor mental health is that I get into thought spirals and one bad thought turns into this whole mess of “why am I the literal Worst Person On Earth?” and of course looking back on certain spirals with a clear head I can see just how out of control my mind can get but hey! Sometimes, at 11:21pm on a Thursday in June, you start thinking about high school and you write a note about it in your phone. And then it’s a Saturday in October and you post that to your blog in hopes that someone, somewhere, can relate.
June 23, 2016 at 11:21PM
The thing about being weird in high school is that it never leaves you. You never stop feeling out of place and ignored and alone in your ideas. Enevn though I have friends and I’m doing things I love, I still feel like that sad girl that ate lunch by herself in a stairwell. At the time I joked like it didn’t matter but it did. Not having any boy show interest in me until I was 20 years old affected me. When I had my first kiss I thought it was a joke. I thought anybody claiming to like me was a sick joke.
How could anyone like the girl that would panic every day before and during her job at the flower shop – where all she really had to do was sweep the floors most days? The girl that didn’t even get invited to a single party until her second and final year of college? The girl that couldn’t even make friends online? How could anyone not see me as the outcast that wasn’t worth a second look? I still don’t understand it.
These people didn’t even know me in high school but I feel like they would just know, you know? Every person that likes me I can’t help but think, “why? You’re so much cooler than I am. So much more interesting”. Can’t they see that? Can’t they see? That’s what I see when I look at myself. I see the girl skipping class because she can’t bare to spend another minute staring at a wall while nobody makes an effort to speak to her. The girl at the back of the room, with her headphones in so she can’t hear everyone else’s conversations and so the illusion that she wants to be alone can continue.
I’m almost 21 and I can’t shake the way I felt when I was 16 and didn’t have anyone to sit with at lunch. How can I expect people see the good in me past all the bad? I can’t even see it yet and I live here.
I feel like I have to put out a disclaimer that I haven’t thought about this since writing it and I don’t think it’s all true. It was just a bad night I guess. I really don’t think about high school that much because it’s way in the past and it doesn’t matter! At all! Don’t spend too much time living in the past – it’s not good for you.