I’ve been seeing posts here and there about this week being a mental health/illness awareness week and so I looked it up and whaddaya know, it actually is.
In the past I have been vague when writing about my mental health, because I really didn’t know how to explain it except by giving definitions and typical symptoms. I still don’t know how to explain it all, so instead I’m just going to tell you what it feels like to me. I think people choose to be vague to be more relatable, because everyone’s experience is so completely unique to them. If you have anxiety and you are unable to relate to any of the very specific things that I’ve dealt with – that doesn’t make either of our experiences invalid! Just putting that out there. Anyways, here’s a journal entry I wrote in a train station in London when I was feeling frustrated with myself.
This is what anxiety is to me:
Anxiety is getting to the train platform 45 minutes early and still feeling like you’re going to miss it
Anxiety is feeling too intimidated to eat alone in a restaurant, and settling for chain cafes and grocery stores
Anxiety is feeling like nobody wants to hear from you
Anxiety is feeling like you’re not enough
Anxiety is constantly feeling like you’re forgetting your keys
Anxiety is never feeling content or comfortable, always ticking, always thinking
Anxiety is thought loops and thought trains that never stop
Anxiety is picking at your nailbeds and playing with your jewellery
Anxiety is turning your phone on airplane mode after telling someone how you feel
Anxiety is shaky hands and gritted teeth
Anxiety is loud
Anxiety is what wakes me up in the morning
I’ve decided that I’m going to include a song in my blog posts from now on, so here’s a song off of a playlist I have on my computer entitled, “we got this”