YELLOW

I made a zine. I forgot to post about it.

In short, it’s about feeling good and enjoying the light of spring and summer after a hard winter. It’s about being happy. It’s iPhone photos from the past year and words from the past couple of months. It’s mostly colourful.

It was an idea stuck in my head for months that one day I pasted together and honestly, I really like it. I hope you do too.

It’s called yellow.

Here’s to many more?

xo, rachel

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hung up

apologies for the lil hiatus – here’s a thing I wrote in the spring

i’ve kept all these people as options
never letting them walk out of my life fully
in my mind i’ve kept them
hung on the back of a door
by the collars of their shirts
in case i ever need someone

i say i don’t want to play games
as i deal the cards out

i never commit to any one
for fear of losing the others
but by doing that
i don’t truly have anyone
just parts of people
spread over cities i don’t live in
and won’t visit
because it’s not like we are dating
right?

but i don’t say anything
i simply keep them hung up,
and stay hung up on them

DSC01336

xo, rachel

failing (and other things i’m not doing)

friday, april 28th

so I’ve moved back home and I’m trying really hard to look at the bright side – free rent, familiar faces, the freedom of time. but it’s hard, because being here at all, it feels like a failure. it’s like all the progress, everything I’ve done in the past 2 years was for nothing, because I’m back where I started.

the suburbs are melting my brain, sucking my motivation, molding me into the mundane I once was.

Thinking back to 2 months ago, when I was suddenly having to make a decision between staying in BC though I had nowhere to live, or going home, it felt like the actual end of the world. Realistically, I could have easily found a place in somewhere and got on with it, but I chose to go home. I got on that plane in Vancouver filled with a sense of dread that I couldn’t shake. For once, I wasn’t excited to be returning to my family, and I didn’t know why. I just felt like I was making the wrong move.

I was afraid that I’d go home and get stuck there, fall into some kind of black hole and become the sad sack I had been 2 years before. I couldn’t stop feeling like if I just never moved back, I’d be OK. That it was the place that made me that way, not my brain. BC was my home, I didn’t want to abandon it just as I was getting comfortable.

Fast forward to now, I can see that being here wasn’t as life-ruining as I thought it would be. Yeah, I spent the first couple of weeks complaining about the suburbs, and the weather, and the people and everything, but I’ve genuinely had a great time. I’ve been surrounded by love and have had so much time to work on myself. I’ve been doing yoga, going for long walks, laying out in the sun, reading for the first time in a while, and appreciating the place I am in. I even went for a few bike rides, which has been something I though I hated since I was probably 10 years old. The dread in my heart has been replaced with a sense of peace that I haven’t felt in quite some time. It was all my mindset, duh. This place is still home, after all.

Basically, I’m leaving on Friday and I almost don’t want to. But it’s time for a new adventure (plus I haven’t worked in like 3 months and I’m supposed to be an adult). Onwards and upwards!!!!!

Xo, Rachel

hiraeth

a homesickness for a home you can’t return to, or that never was

Every place I’ve ever been wasn’t mine

Because I didn’t make it so

I’m fleeting 

Before I even catch my breath

I’m leaving

Before I can be left

I only pull closer

The things that want to stray

I only remember

What wouldn’t stay

I can’t feel okay

Until someone’s walking away

Xo, Rachel

healing

do not let sadness grow
big enough to wrap yourself in it
instead wrap yourself in happiness,
wrap it around you so tight
that the sadness lingering near your chest
suffocates

that is the only way to survive

heal your hurt
though it hurts to heal
because
a hurt unhealed
is a hurt you’ll continue
to feel

the sting of the alcohol
is far less than
the sting of the fall

I promise

Photo credit to my friend Nicole (who also redesigned my blog recently)!

Xo, Rachel

The 5 Year Plan

In 5 years
all I want
is a place
to call home
and someone who
will be there
by my side
for that adventure

I don’t care
about hourly wage
or corporate climbing
I just want
to be making
something worthwhile or
doing something positive
in any way

In 5 years
I only hope
to be looking
5 years ahead
with hopeful eyes
and no plan
no plan
at all


Xo, Rachel